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So I know you guys don’t Deadliest Catch, but last week, Eliot brought his fucking girlfriend onto the Saga and she had her first trial as boat cook.

She made a chicken pot pie for the crew and it turned out great, they loved it.

But she was fully aware that Bobby has a milk intolerance and she…

Hey, but on the bright side my uncle gave me some dvds [& a cd] that he found abandoned in one of the apartments that people moved out of. (You’d be so surprised how much people leave behind, especially some people who move back to their home countries and can’t take that much with them.)

But yeah thanks to whoever left these behind. I think I might go watch Modern Family or that one dvd that might be a Korean exercise vid???

Idk I just need a distraction from life right now.

Also, I just want to apologize for.not being on that much. I’m staying at my aunt and uncle’s place for about 2 weeks and they don’t have wifi and my phone is being really slow and not loading things and I’m getting really frustrated (I don’t really like using phones anyways)

And between life and limited internet access I cant really handle a lot of contact with people rn so I guess this is for the best. :P

I wish my life still revolved around food the way it used to, because before all this I would always be like, ‘when’s the next meal? What are we having? What weird food/food combo can I try next? Can I have seconds/thirds/forths? Can I try all of these desserts? I really just want to try all of the food in the world rn,’
but now I’m like,’Oh, God, I have to eat again? If I eat this snack now am I gonna feel well enough to eat in a couple of hours? Will this make me sick? Should I risk eating this? I feel well now… this just a fluke, the calm before the storm? Should I try to take advantage of this rare opportunity or should I just play it safe? Should I risk taking another bite. I mean, I’m not even close to being full, but if I continue…..
I’d love to try this, but…..
I was feeling well, but then I got a whiff of the food and I just can’t now-‘

And so on and so on. It just really sucks b/c I feel so restricted and I’m really starting to dread eating and just-
It’s so hard to get people to understand because sometimes I feel so fine and then in the next second I feel sick to my stomach and I just need to go home asap and lay down.

It’s just life is so unenjoyable and I feel like I’m being such a burden and really selfish and picky and I feel really guilty because my mom wants to go out to eat everyday and she always wants me to come and my stomach and my nerves just can’t handle it

But I have a limit on how much I can cancel bc she likes to guilt trip me and otherwise emotionally manipulate me and just- it makes me really upset but going out with her makes me upset too but it’s like a lose-lose situation either way (except that at least by going out with her, it pleases her and that helps ease my conscience a bit).

But like seriously though a few weeks ago for like a 2 week period I went out with her for like 10 days (nearly.all in a row) & I kept getting sick for 6 or 7 of the times and just- she just doesn’t get it. She just tells me to suck it up, that she rarely ever feels well but she still goes, and that after all she’s done it would be nice if I did this one little favour. And then she’ll ask me, ‘well, why don’t you just tell yourself to try to stay calm and feel well?’

Yes, yes, like I haven’t tried that before. Like it works so well. Like seriously, you should know better than me how well that works.

No, but what I really love is the complete disregard for how I feel and her lack of willingness and ability to keep quiet for 5 seconds just to hear how I think and feel.

What makes this even worse is the fact that there is literally nothing wrong with me that the doctors can see. All it is is the product of stress.

I mean I’m glad that’s it’s nothing majorly wrong and that I can at least still eat, but at the same time it really does suck and I Like seriously feel so invalidated and bad for wasting precious time and resources.
And I have nothing to back up what I’m feeling and just- I feel so awful and inadequate because it would be so simple to fix this problem if I could just shut off my brain, but I can’t.
I can’t escape stress and anxiety. It is my life. I’m surrounded by it. I’m placed in it.

I can try to cope with it all I like, but at the end of the day I’m still gonna feel rotten and pushed to my limits.

*Sighs* Anyway, I’m sorry. All this was brought on by me trying to eat a brownie without getting sick & me trying to think how I’m going to survive a week on a cruise with my parents (‘cuz that’s going to be all kinds of stressful, plus most of my cruise experience has always revolved around food and I know that I’m going to be pushing myself to my limits).

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